Taking baby steps

This is a utter rare occasion whereby I'm here blogging at 6am in the morning.

I hope I'm not sleep-walking writing, in that sense. I felt perfectly fine. (= 

I've never had insomnia in my entire life! Like I said, this is a rare occasion.  

I had a lot of things going through my mind while I was trying hard to keep everything shutdown. Failed miserably. As one thing leads to another, that explains my sleepless night. On the contrary, I'm not even upset of not having any sleep. Why? Because I rediscovered my limit of staying awake. Amazing stuff! 

To share something deeper. I love Abigail, my 4-year old niece, which is also my first niece. Believe it or not, she has been one of my inspiration of becoming a better person. (I've been bad >=)  I was back in Kuantan a couple of weeks ago, I was bored so I decided to run through some photo albums that we took in UK recently. One of them is a collection of baby photos of Abby and Sammie up till their current age. As I flipped the pages, I saw how innocent, how pure a young girl can be. (Girl as to one gender that I can relate) Her smile was so real and it's coming from the heart. I'm sure all of us were once like that, innit? What exactly changed us to becoming who we are today? Lately I've heard too many stories of how one can be so cunning and crook, so manipulative, so fickle minded, so bitchy, so on so forth, just to get to somewhere. After all these years, now its my rude awakening. I don't claim to be a good person, at all to be frank. I was taunted by my own nasty actions and irresponsible doings. (I'm not going to elaborate on thaat.) Sometimes, I disgust myself. I recalled of being naive, innocent and pure, but such times as long faded in my memories. Think, what was your last thought 10minutes ago? I'm so ashamed to say that I was thinking what ways to get my debtor to pay me back one small amount when he is broke to the core. And the truth is, I'm just doing it just to add to his headaches.(I wan't feeling merciful at that time I suppose.) I don't even need the money urgently. 

Shame on me. I've lost the heart of being true to people, I've lost myself. There's too much hypocrisy lying around. I'm so tired of having to masked everyday, slowly to find myself artificially conformed to the world's sly manner. Don't go Paramore on me because you are NO exception, sad indeed but true. 

I set my niece and nephews photos as my wallpaper on my phone and laptop. Kept as reminder for me of who I was before and can be once again by simply telling the truth and have nothing to hide! I miss being free from the dirty little secrets that we have in the dark corner of the closet. Don't you? I miss having a heart that used to forgive rather than to store hatreds. Don't you?

Since resigning work, I dare to say I've changed for the better. Seriously. No elements of bragging, but I quit whatever I needed to quit and I'm determined about it. (Aren't you proud of meeee) Well, of course I'm not saying that work has corrupted me, but honestly it has affected me in a way or another. It made me realized so much about life than anywhere else. I don't know why am I saying this, or where comes the boldness, this time round I'm not doing it for anyone anymore. I'm doing it for myself. Reason being is that, many attempts failed in the past because neither of us (me and the boyf) want to let go of it. No one wants to take the first step and be the example. Cynically, we even thought it's impossible! Thank God for allowing sickness into my, in this case, our lives (you must think I'm crazy) because that was the ultimate turning point for the both of us. That ''thaaang'' no longer appeals to us anymore nor have us as captives. Although we still may be in mild competition of who would fall first but minor teasing might be surprisingly encouraging! It wasn't as easy as it sound, in fact when temptations approaches, it feels like a kick in the nut. (not like I have any but oh wells!) I'm on my way, I hope certain few of my beloved friends would join in too. (=